sometimes life is a tough burden to bear

Well I have a lot of things going on right now. A lot. A couple of friends and family of mine are going through some very hard times. Things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I find myself wishing I could do more. Wishing I could heal all wounds. Truth be told I can’t. I can barely keep myself afloat most days. SO as much as I would like to carry the burden I can’t. Mine is already approaching max load and I just can’t. I am spread so thin. Every time I try to regroup I get slammed with another crisis. I am anxiously waiting and praying for things to calm down a bit. In my life and the ones I care about.

On a different note I need to find a way to gather my self and re prioritize things. I need to pull away from work. I need to have more time for my family. This is not a desire anymore but a necessity. With Adams back problems, Austins increasing sleep issues (and temper tantrums), with my constant health problems, with our house search, with the ttc thing looming over my head, I just need to reload. Add, to all of this, an incredibly messy house and endless chores and you have one lady who is desperate for a day off. Oh and my work so lovingly denied me a day off. I had requested to only work 4 days a week. This way I could manage (or attempt to) all the things I need too. However they denied this request. End of discussion. So now I don’t know what to do. Seems to be a theme lately.

I realized something else today. My recent miscarriages have had a profound impact on me. I am reminded almost daily of them. If I hadn’t lost our baby in September I would be 21 weeks and 2 days. I would be over half way through. No doubt I would be in maternity clothes and have a nice big baby belly. I would be able to feel the baby move and Austin would be able to see mommy’s belly getting bigger. But there is nothing there but a void. A deep void. I try to only focus on my sweet baby Austin but it does get difficult. I know how blessed I am to have him. I know this. Some do not even get one. He is my miracle and I am so eternally thankful. But why, if I am not to have any more children, am I allowed to get pregnant only to lose that baby. I don’t understand.

I am sorry for this post. I know I promised mo more doom and gloom. But I had to get this out. I am only human and right now my loved ones and I are going through some very emotional times. I guess 2008 is starting out just fine…….

I am just going to ask for more prayers. Not only for me but for all those in my life that are struggling. May the sun come out tomorrow and cast away the clouds. May the rain bring flowers to bloom. May the storm bring a beautiful rainbow. I am praying for all of you. Especially you sis and Jelly.